Recovery: Two years after the disaster

BY PHIL WORRAD, RAMHP COORDINATOR

   

The 2022 floods took Patrick’s sheep and his home, and ultimately his farm. He’s doing well now, he tells me, but it has been a tough couple of years. By his side is his new partner; the woman who sold him the house he bought in town after the flood.

The watershed moment of Patrick’s recovery was deciding to sell the farm. It was a difficult decision coming off the back of realising that for him, ‘recovery’ did not mean getting back what he had lost.

So, what is ‘recovery’ if it’s not a return to how things were? Recovery from a disaster is a process that takes 5 to 10 years. For many, it involves repairing or replacing what was damaged, accepting what was lost and adjusting to what has changed. This can include possessions, dreams and ambitions, the land, animals, relationships, and even our values.

Recovery also requires a cognitive shift. A psychologist once told me, “Recovery is when you no longer live your life in relationship to the event, but in relationship to your goals, values and identity of who you are.”

In other words, the disaster becomes an event that no longer resides in our ‘now’ or intrudes into our thinking. When we’ve recovered, our focus returns to the present, and we begin looking toward the future. The measure of recovery’s success, then, is the quality of life we experience at the end of it.

Recovery takes time. Be gentle with yourself throughout the process. Practice self-compassion. Avoid comparing yourself to others and set realistic goals based on what you are now. Prioritise time for things you enjoy, rather than only what must be done. It is important to afford yourself both leisure and pleasure.

It has been two years since the floods that impacted Patrick and many others. If you’re in an impacted community, you may have noticed it’s not as cohesive as it was immediately after the disaster. The energy has waned. The unity has dissipated. People may tire easily, and motivation may be hard to find. Divides are becoming evident, and the make-up of the community may have changed. This is normal at this stage of recovery. Know that the community will find its natural balance again.

On an individual level, it’s important to remember that, just like with grief, people recover from a disaster in different ways. You may find that you and your partner are not walking the same path in your recovery. Relationships can become strained, especially if each person expects support from the other, while both are going through their own process of recovery. Communication is key.

Now, I’ll make a confession: I’m a man, and I know saying “communicate” can be easier than doing it. (Did I just hear my wife gasp?). But I have found some useful strategies that can help when it comes to having a tough conversation.

Here are some tips, especially if you’re a man wanting to start a conversation:

Beforehand. Be clear about what you want to address. What’s the issue? For example, if things are tough and you think your relationship is feeling the strain, you might plan to say, “I want us to get through this together” or “I want us to still be a couple at the end of it all” or “We’ve changed, I don’t want us to lose sight of each other.”

Best time. Make sure you both have plenty of time to talk and listen.

Best place. Choose a private, quiet place with no distractions, and avoid alcohol and other drugs during the conversation.

Steady yourself. This is an important conversation, and it might be difficult. If you’re feeling anxious or nervous, take a few deep breaths. Slow your breathing to calm yourself.

State the issue. Be open and a little vulnerable. You might begin with something like, “It’s been tough for me. These past couple of years have been really hard, and I’m worried we might be drifting apart. I have been working on the house a lot, and I haven’t been spending as much time with the kids. I want us to get through this together and not lose sight of each other.” Then let the conversation flow from there.

Listen. Be ready to listen with empathy and without judgement. Acknowledge how the other person feels: “I didn’t know you felt that way” or “I understand why you would think that” or “So what you’re saying is…?”

Stay calm. If you feel yourself getting agitated or defensive, stay seated, slow your breathing, and relax your shoulders. Avoid blame or raising your voice. Instead, calmly re-state the issue; “I know this is difficult, but things will get better, and I want us to get through this together.”

Next steps. “If I’ve heard you correctly, you’re feeling/thinking… How can we move forward? What’s the first thing we can do? When shall we do it? What do we need to make it happen?”

Remember, success in recovery is measured by the quality of life you live at the end of it. Things can be replaced and rebuilt in time. Focus on protecting what will matter to you once the house is built or the next crop is sown.

If you find yourself getting stuck in the mindset that everything must be done right now, remind yourself of ‘leisure and pleasure’. Taking time for leisure and pleasure will help you reconnect with your true values, and ultimately, this will lead to success in recovery.